Well its been over a week since last spoke. And a continuation of not sleeping properly each night. Which is now really having an effect on me rest of the time. In a bad way! I am seriously thinking of going to the GP! Last few weeks my concentration and enjoyment levels have literally disappeared. I just want to cry by the end of the day. Everything has become a “chore” and feels like a burden. Even cancelled last 2 driving lessons. There is no way I want to be behind a wheel of a car, in this state of mind 😦 I have even lost the enjoyment on the lessons.
I’m so sick of fighting to get to sleep at night with my mind. Last week didn’t help and into this week with the kid’s being full of snot and misery. Both coughing heads off at night and bearing in mind I sleep that lightly, it wakes me up the instant they start. It’s hard as I know it is just one of the seasonal bugs they get that will go in it’s own time and makes them groggy too. When it carries on into day time and my tired head is still on, you cannot believe how quick I am to snap. I hate it, I don’t want to be the shouty snappy mum. I wasn’t like this a few months back, so why now. My head is so full of what I should be doing, but starting to feel so physically and mentally drained I am not getting things done, then feeling guilty and feeling worse in the mind. Vicious circles! So at night I am thinking how I am behind on things. All I want is sleep, and I can’t even put blame on kid’s as such for being up and about. I should be enjoying my kid’s and I do feel blessed but feel like they are seeing the wrong side of me, and I feel helpless to get right side of me back at the moment. I just feel so useless, and as much as I try to get focused on anything, I am so struggling. I am so achy at night and mornings are just pointless. You know when it is getting too much, when you actually ache your that drained, yet as a mum you feel you cannot stop. Your not allowed, little ones depend on you and don’t want to let them down, even if you feel like you already are. Even now I just want to cry. People are saying go to the doctor’s and I know if and when I would finally get in to see someone, it would be “happy tablet” and/or “sleeping tablets” time. Firstly, I wouldn’t want tablets knock me out like a log, what if kids need me in middle of night??? And Si works early every morning. It took till 3am to sleep the other night. Im a sick of feeling like this, I don’t feel happy, I have lost enjoyment in a lot of, if not all things. No I know I cannot help or stop my child from being ill. Medicine and time and hugs, is all I can offer. But when your not sleeping as it is and stressed to the max, that does NOT help you or the child. Pushed to the limit and over it isn’t in it. I feel like the only time I am alone is when I go upstairs for something and hide in the bedroom for 20 mins or so, and even then I end up with company. I really want to get out and escape but feel so fed up at times, when I am invited out… it’s like I want to decline or I literally feel like I am forcing myself out. On Sunday I met with Carmel at shops nearby for an hour, as we have Candles to sort and hand out etc, anyway it was a chance to go out alone! Si pipes up, ” Why don’t you take Ruth?”, I could have (but didn’t) go mad. For goodness sake, this is one hour, this week gone where I have chance to be out of house with out kids, and he says that. I can’t diss him he does help round house, and is a brilliant husband, but he gets child free time most days. I want ONE HOUR! I love my kids but I need some me-time!
Plus it is so frustrating that the one thing that kept me sane up to now, is also starting to fail to do so. I do my Avon, I have a good base of customers who I can even call friends now. But even that has felt like a task the past few weeks 😦 Plus all I want to do and have wanted to do for over a year now, is be with my kids, see them grow and provide for them from home and be my own boss. Lots of people do it, why shouldn’t I? The admin business plans are still plans after nearly a year…. now that makes me feel a true failure. I have piles of craft stuff and ideas rattling around on paper and in my head and feel like I have no time. My mind feels like a proper jumble. I need and want my drive, concentration and positivity back. Oh I then have the online courses I want to complete. I want to be the happy mum which doesn’t snap so quick at her kids. I want to get the happy me back!! 😦 Not feel like the useless unhappy person I have become these past few weeks. What use am I to anyone like that????? I have 2 beautiful children and a loving husband and family, they don’t need this! And I do feel blessed but want to be happy as well as blessed like before!
Sorry for this rant. I know it reads like all me me me. If I don’t try to get this off my shoulders I may just burst 😦
Hoping that next blog will be cheerier. Never mind it being December and everyone getting Festive, I can’t even be bothered with all that!
Right I am off to rest and hopefully sleep while she does soon ( I hope). Putting final orders in for Avon this week. No more books out till after Xmas and before New Year. Maybe the rest up to and during Xmas will help. And I cannot complain at 2014 by far. It has been good, I have achieved things, and I hate ending the year in this mental state of mind 😦 Maybe I should be a little more selfish, and insist on time to me, but then I would end up feeling bad about that!!!
I am nipping up to Carmel’s house this evening (fingers crossed). Lets hope a few hours peace helps me wind down for the night!
My next big choice of the day for now is going to be Lungo or Americano.